Well, it's official: Southern Brit is going back home. I instinctively knew this, yet it's always fun to deny the things that cause you an inkle of disappointment & pre-grieving. Does that sound far too dramatic? I suppose it does. Eh. What can I say? I've said in the past that I felt as if I've always known him. He has passed in & out of my life like a severe blow to the head, and I am still reeling from it.

 Interpret that as you will.

 ( Read the Sap! )

  Hmmm, the power of extended networks on the Internets...  I forgot to mention here (though I Tweeted) that a former much-beloved penpal (yes, we actually sent letters, imagine that) contacted me through Facebook. He bopped in just to say "Hey, do you remember me?" I thought it was pretty awesome. He's an Englishman who spent about 20 years in Germany, who is now in Leeds. His letters were so damned amusing. Krikey, he's almost 50, now. Where did the time go??
 
 I also wanted to say that if Hot Pursuit harasses me at work any more, I'm going to talk to my manager about it. I'm NOT going to sleep with the doorknob, I'm NOT interested in dating him, or anything else. He's... greasy, oily, ooze-y (Uzi? *snort*) & even Bounty can't pick up what he leaves behind. *shudder* Ugh, yuck!

 I am thoughtful this morning (oh no, run for your lives!)...  I will be going out & about for a drive, shortly. I have a mid-day shift, and a short one at that, so... despite the fact that I am terribly groggy, I'm going to get my ass moving. Move it, ass!

 Cheers & All

30 September, 2006: "Smother the Whisperer." I had just ditched my previous blog due to the unwelcome, destructive presence of a couple of readers; the former blog did not have the option to privacy-protect posts. The post was about my feelings about my marriage, at the time. The wheedling is as follows:

 ( The Whining Road ) I am groggy this morning... dreamt of Louisiana's potholes & bayous. Kept on driving into them, but I was so amused at my own foolishness that I was laughing, and laughing very hard.

 Off to make tea & coffee. Yes, I'm having both.

 Cheers  All


 P.S. Kev, where did you go?? Cannot access your blog anymore... as in, I get a blank screen. Wha?

 I hated this day, almost down to the last 1/2 hour. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

 First, my beloved blogger Southern Brit  & his girlfriend/second leg roadtrip companion ran across a shitload of trouble whilst in Greensboro, NC; overnight, the vehicle was broken into, and pretty much all of his gear was stolen. Just about broke my heart to read that.
 Sure, I don't know him, but I've been reading his blog for a while now, and I like who he seems to be. He's just an amazingly uplifting kind of guy. The kind of person who will make you want to throw shit at your version of God when he eventually dies, because the loss will be so great. Anyway. Soldiering on...  I really want to see him make it through his Underground: USA project. One of his lovely friends has set up a PayPal donations thingy for him; the loss of his gear is about $6,000 alone. Holy Hellfire! If nothing else, moral support is really, really necessary. 

 ( The Shite Continues... )

Uhm.

"Something."

Lots in my head, mostly to do with C's eminent departure. *sigh*

On the Upside, remember me talking/posting about my crazy-nuts & completely, totally lovable neighbor David, from Charleston? I just heard from him, and I think I Sqeee'd. Really loud. For a long time. Here it comes again...

SQUEEEEEEEEE! 

I realize that it's been a long time. People change, lives change... I know mine did. I love that we remember people best for who they were... and sometimes, the person they are now (or at least most recently!) becomes the person we cherish the most.

 Damn. Does this count as a possible "When one door closes, a window will open" bit? Grrr, arrr.

 Conversation with C., as I ranted about my workday and the seemingly completely shit state of the Universe and Its Contents, for a wee bit:

( Follow the Conversation )

I know you're f*cking someone else. I'm 100% OK with it, honest to goodness. 
So would you please just hurry up with that zipper so that we can finish our conversation?

 Thank you

 Holy Mackeral Fishies, I had a damned good time Up Yonder!

 I dinna have the urge to blog about it right now-- I will blog later. I am far too happy just thinking about the fact that I have another blessed day off, so I am going to sit on my ass in another part of my house & eat pot-popped pawcorn with butter & watch a movie.
 Weasel will snuggle up (which is good, it's fricking cold in here-- it was 56 degrees when I got home, and I had to hunt down my EdenPure heater, to begin to heat the  place up. Argh, damn MinneSnowTa!), and all manner of humans & beasties will be at peace.

 I am so happy, it almost hurts.

 Cheers & All

 What I want to know is... the answer to the eternal & much-blabbled question of how we humans figure that there can be Only One. We are not The Highlander series... There are so many with so much to offer. I love thinking about the fact that a good portion of us do think we are suitable to be someone else's Only One.

 Sometimes we think we've found the other person, and sometimes it turns out to be-- hmmm, not what we had envisioned. Perhaps it's not wrong in the end, as the experience certainly leaves its mark. Growth is good. Scars are not always good.

 Damn, who's awake? I need to talk to somebody. My head is a bit off-kilter. Someone said something to me today-- something about how lust is this heady thing, and how love endures... I've heard it all before & have experienced it (or so I thought), but the way that she said it made me think of other things, and in turn made me aware of the fact that I have far less of a chance of finding an Only Love, now. I don't mean this in a negative way-- to me, it is simple truth, when all cards are laid out. I am... well, I am. Mrrrrp.

 Maybe it's a cosmic channel that I'm hopelessly tuned out of.  We all know that I AM hoplessly out of tune (she said, humming hideously off-key).

 For once, I might be up to the task of trying to make new friends. It is difficult. I am painfully shy, though if asked, 98% of the people you query would be shocked that I said so-- I like to think that I hide it well enough.. I am tired of being afraid of... well, a lot of things. I am difficult to get along with, sometimes--- I have many flaws, and I am kind of a dork... but this is how I've developed, over 36 years of protecting myself so fiercely that I became the story, instead of the character living the life. Of the millions of people on this planet, there must be a few more... 
 Or whatever I meant.

 It' going to be a late night/early morning. My brainpan won't stop. Somebody, quick! Tell me about your day. If I dwell here much longer, I'm going to be in trouble.... Maybe I just need a Mr. Right Now, I tell you...

  Cheers & All
 

 Balls of Ireland. I fricking hate this time of the morning on so little sleep.

 Tried to go to bed, only to have mum call at 12:30. Disoriented, she didn't realize it was so late, and said she'd call later in the day. Something felt wrong, so I called her back... I'm glad I did. We talked for about an hour and a half; she is not well at all.

 I cannot do much from my end, at the moment, except offer support. I am angry at the govt. processes of Minnesota, right now. So much red tape, to keep out the wrong damned people, it seems. The folks who truly need help are fucked-- and suffer terribly.
 What my mum desperately needs right now is a trial run for different types of powerful painkillers. Screw being addicted; having relief from nonstop pain (and I mean nonstop-- ever have a bum tooth or a burn? Yeah, so multiply that by 100, and apply it to you entire mouth & body) so that a person can function is more important. I don't understand how she can... do anything, in her current state. It is evident even to me, now, that this is probably pain of far over 10 on a scale of 1-10. Cos, you can understand that, can't you?  :-(
 Her teeth, her skin, everything... and she is no longer able to maneuver herself like she used to. She keeps on falling, or hurting her ankles & legs.

 Apparently she also causes a stir with what she calls :"The Senior Nazis" at her complex. One mustn't break Please, Lawd... the stories she has, from just being there a week, are outrageous & awful. Just put in an order for something like falling off a cliff for me before it comes to a situation like Geezer Palace, would you? That is no way to live. 

 Anyway... I was trying to think if I could survive a drive up there & back, tonight... I don't know how fast I can get there, as  I still have to return home & take care of the dog, first. I also know myself well enough to realize that not even a good rush of adrenalin can keep me awake forever.

 Damn. I want to be with her, and I am stuck here. She is obviously so very scared, so very lonely, so very much in pain... and I am as far away as ever.

 Fucking Hell. I need coffee.....

 Well, that was a lot of puling.
A good cry and a perfectly awful assortment of shapes & colors with pastels & charcoal on paper worked wonders.

  Oooh, it's so frustrating to know myself well enough NOT to do something foolish, yet there I went, blundering about and doing it anyway. *toinks self on head*  I'm going to grind this gerbil, once again... I don't get it. Why do I persist? Is it human nature? It must be. That, or I am seriously doomed.
 I don't feel that I have the youth or tools to to "start fresh." I can make mini-adjustments, but to what true purpose? It's like changing the air filter in a car, when what really needs to happen is an engine replacement.

 I think I'm just... Well, whatever. On top of that, I have some things going on that would suggest that I may also be going seriously crazy nuts, or the things have been repressed for so long, that I have no idea if I want to deal with them or not. I'd have to keep it to myself, anyway. There's no one to serve retribution to, and it would just make things... difficult. Hannah and her smashed lip... this is bad. So, now what?

 It looks like I'll need to make time, anyway. I want to end this, and it makes no sense why I react the way I do when I do. I have what seems to be memories, but I have a superb imagination, so maybe it's all a Freudian-Jungian trip.

 I am babbling hysterically, I am going.

How long does it take to starve to death? Probably has something to do with your muscle/fat ratio. Hmmm. Just curious. Saw a mini-documentary about the ongoing conditions in Southern Asia & Africa... dear Hannah. Malnutrition, hunger... and perhaps worse, to know that obtaining food will be unlikely...

 I am ping-pong headed today... It's a diversionary tactic. But for the moment, dealing is not what I'm going to do much of. I am just going to let it percolate, and see what happens.

I need a nap. Emotional wreckage is fairly draining.

Cheers & All

 I read this as "mahagony," and was a wee confused. Welcome to 2am crash-outs on a 5:30am rise day, in my neck of the woods.

 Do I believe in monogamy? Well, what kind? Sexual monogamy? Yes, unless one is permanently sheathed in a condom. Wouldn't that just plain look weird?  Hmmm, priapism is also generally considered dangerous. Am I going to whallop those who aren't with me, and who aren't monogamous? I dinna think so. I worry for their health, though.
 
  I am not of the cultural, religious, spiritual, lifestyle  or working class that would look at a long-term relationship or marriage any other way than being monogamous, though. Damned early mornings, where did that thought just go? Ahh, yes.
 My main concern is not  always the "cheating" bit, rather than being disease-free bit, go figure. Who wants crotch rot forever & ever? Not me, thank you very much. Ugh. Plus, if you're gonna be doing that bouncybouncy sproingsproing bit, at the very least take a bath afterwards. I don't want to have no choice but to smell that. Not everyone is sweet as roses. *holds nose & runs away*
 Do I want to know? Probably, so I can whallop you silly with questions you never wanted to answer... 

 Have as many friends as you like. I'm emotionally secure-- you're with me, not them. Just watch the pants.  I'm open-minded, but not that type of free-spirited. Sorry, wrong checkout line.

  So that's that. I think. Somebody please encourage me to get more sleep, next time.

 Time for work. Oooooh, morning. Yikes.

 Cheers & All

  It's an interesting thing... I was so focused on the visuals of Twilight, I'd forgotten a little bit about the music. Well, not any more. I downloaded the score (as opposed to the music soundtrack, which they can pretty much keep). Now something most excellent is happening to my brainpan... it makes me want to write poetry. Or music (if I knew how). Or draw (well, doodle, because I don't draw much, anymore). Or something.

  Speaking of doodling, I'm almost afraid to say that I have a very unexpected day off (no, I didn't get fired) tomorrow. I have this feeling that the minute I sink into the true bliss of it, I'll get a call to cover a shift. Nooo!
 Holy Schenectedy, two days off. Really?!? *gawps in shock* 
 I must have been good. Really, really good. Oh, I didn't finish my thought, sorry-- uhm, speaking of doodles-- mum & I are meeting at MIA once again, tomorrow. This time we are going to blithely sit and draw interpretations of each other in pastels, pencils, charcoal. This should be interesting.

 Thankfully, I don't feel so nervous, this time. Ugh. That was terrible. All I wanted to do was smoke-- badly. I haven't felt that much of a craving/urge since about the first month after I quit. Yikes. It was almost painful. However, I made it through, and I can still say that I am all but second-hand smoke-free. Yay!

 And now... I need to do something else. Like doing an e-mail or two. Or finishing my homemade t-shirt for the Static-X show. It's actually turning out to be a hoot. I loved cutting all of the old shirts that I bought apart & fabric-gluing them, piece to piece, to the one I'm going to wear. Hey, remind me to take a pictor!

 Cheers & All
 

 

 Well, that was a doofus previous post. WHY do I blog in the morning, when I'm clearly not quite running on all cylinders? *le sigh*  I didn't even title the damned thing. Oh well, small potatoes. 

 What was I going to say? Ahh, that when mum was saying those things, that I wanted to dash away, but didn't...  What she said-- I believe is true. I imagine that not many people are OK with being called a winky doodle that  folks would rather not associate with, because the person tends to be negative & down. However, with truth comes a number of facets of clarity, along with sub-truths. Does that make any sense? Probably not. I;m just rambling, anyway. Gah. But with that truth comes another truth: that there is also a very  real, very genuine part of me that is easily amused, easily pleased, so easily suffused with joy. Being happy with life in general requires such small things, for me. At least, that is what I have always claimed. *pulls face*
  I am also aware that these little things may not boost my spirits & sense of well-being for as long as other people expect them to.  Hmmf. The Ex accused me of that, quite frequently (along with being selfish-- which I admittedly am, but not about everything).
  Well, but... if you think of me as a whole, I am a whirling dervish, of a sort. Energy rushing this way and that, with a core that's moving, too. If I strap on my armor & raise my longsword in defense-- it takes a lot of energy to be who I am, but not necessarily in a negative way. Therefore, it would make sense that I would need just a little bit more of the little things that bring me joy. If a person is a core of self-hate, but it can be altered at least temporarily by mood-altering things that are positive-- why not?
 Call it another form of denial if you will, but that happiness... perhaps keeps me from concentrating on other things. What things? Things. Gawd, my brain hurts... the gerbils are wheezing. Aaack!

 And I am soooo not making any sense. But I'm going to leave this post unlocked, anyway. I am struggling. If I have this core of self-hate, how do I change it after 36 years of feeding the fire? How do I fix it? Hell's Bells, how do I even go about examining it? Urk. And do I really feel like I have so few gifts to offer others? Perhaps I unconsciously do. There are precious few who I feel can accept me for who I am. Rants, raves, tangents, warp-speed babbling, eccentric spiritual practices, erratic thought-processes & all.
 
 What I don't get is what I've complained/wondered about before-- the whole "even this type and this type of people are liked by others-- WTF is wrong with me?" Mmmf.

 AH HAH HAH HAHA.... Sorry, that was so classic. I grunted in response to re-reading my own post just now, and Weasel grunted back at me, farted loudly, then scrambled to his feet & ran away. Oh, my gawd. *wipes eyes* Oh, the tears of laughter.  You see? Just the little bit.
   

Well, blargh. Maybe I'm just super crazy nuts, and this is all just a bunch of pointless not-even-philosophic blather, anyway. It's not like no one else has ever questioned the Meaning of (Wo) Man. Noooo, never. They did it so much more eloquently...

 Pfft. Fine, I'm going to have some more coffee, then get ready for work. Because my whirly eyes could use some more caffeine...  it's a bizarre energy day, and I can feel my little surfboard self try to ride the waves, already.

 Cheers & All
 

  I snipped my first long, graceful shoots of chives of the season this morning. A couple of eggs have never tasted so good!  
 I have been eyeballing the chives for the last week, trying to judge when they'd be ready for use... Mmmm, I love chives.

 I have been thinking about yesterday's conversation with mum... After the whole "You gave me bad directions, and I spent hours trying to find my way here" crabbiness (of all people, she should know that even if I get directions off the internet, something bizarre is bound to occur), after she calmed down a bit,  were able to sit in the rotunda at the MIA and talk. 
 For those of you just tuning in, I haven't seen my mum for about 5 months; when I last spoke to her in person, our words were very bitter. We have a lot of communication issues. Sometimes we get along, other times not so much.
 Anyway. We talked about how people aren't "real." That is, how it sometimes seems that more and more people use everyday "polite conversation" -- all of the time. Folks are seemingly more centered on themselves. It seem that very few folks want to truly hear what's real, most especially if it's not pleasant. As in "No, I'm not OK, this morning I was so depressed that I wanted to kill myself," or "I really just need to be comforted right now, because I'm having a hard time adjusting," whatever the situation is. Hell's Bells, there are some Folks who'd rather stick carrots up their butts than to hear the word "cancer." 
 I mean, you don't necessarily go about telling this sort of thing to strangers (although I have, just to see what the responses would be), but there should be somebody... somebody that you can tell these things to. Yes?? Without having them run to the nearest clinic to bring you a straight jacket. Without uncomfortably shifting away with eyes or body.

 What I was also wondering, though, was: do we expect to have our listener solve our issues-- or just listen? Sometimes the question is not to obtain the answer, it is the relief of the burden... and to put a damper on the fricking despair, loneliness & loss of self-worth. Or simply to have someone else acknowledge that we're feeling a bit off. Or that it's happened to them. Or, or, whatever I was trying to say. Losing my train of thought (I've actually been coming and going for the past hour, & am still trying to finish this)...
 Hmmmf. We don't need to be loved, acknowledged or validated-- my ass! Yes, we do. In very subtle ways, if nothing else.

 Oh, yes. I was going to say... Mum told me something yesterday-- she's told it to me before many times, but I've mostly just ignored her-- and what she said finally clicked. I was so horrified, I wanted to dash away, and I almost did. Then I reminded myself sternly that I was an adult, and could deal. Well, so I can listen-- but not deal, yet. 
 She told me... that I have one of the most paradoxical natures she has come across. That I have an extreme core of self-hatred which is wrapped so tightly with... hmm, an equally extreme blanket of denial of that self-hatred.  She said more, and I will go into that at a later time... but I thought to myself, "I do? Really??"  Then I thought to myself, "Perhaps this is why I can understand other people's pain so well..."

 Damn, I have more to think about/say, but I just received an unexpected call, and I need to go.

 Back later....

 Cheers & All