I would like to be able to pretend that I don't have company coming.

Even if it doesn't work very well.

I need a drink.

Had profound dreams about my brother, last night.

I woke up and was mostly functional (surprising), but was obsessed with finding my St. Nicholas necklace; it was not in the last place I put it. Found the necklace, went to go to work-- and a big-assed raptor was sitting on a branch of my olive tree:




So I cried & my mascara ran. When I regained a portion of my functioning brain, I ran back inside to get my camera, took a picture, gave thanks to my brother for being here when I needed him most-- and the hawk flew away.

I miss him, and I hate this time of the year without him.

but at the moment, I am blitzed on vodka/gin/cranberry ginger ale, and the thoughts in my head might even make their way out. Dammit, I just caught myself misspelling :their." Shit, I really must be drunk...

I'm going to go rejoice in the fact that I bought three new pairs of shoes today (not fancy ones, practical ones for work), and I have a fucking day OFF tomorrow! YES!!!!

Cheers & All


Pee Ess Errm, does anyone know what species of raptor this is? Red hawk?

You were older then
Older than what my eyes could ever see
I only knew to embrace
Cannot hold you any more

Ugh, not at my best. Had some sort of reaction from food or environment yesterday, and theeffects have lasted through this morning. This is becoming a chore.

I am running out of steam! So tired all day, every day. No end to pain all day, every day. I think my body is beginning to do the equivalent of sagging desperately; I suppose if it thinks it can not work, I'll have no choice but to take a break & take care of it.

Alas, I will simply push until there is no more to push.

I have been having strong thoughts about my brother, the past few days. I imagine I should take a clue and sit down to talk with him... crazy nuts or not. It is terrible to still feel the empty space, so long after he's been gone.

 Oh crap, Jennifgrr-- your birthday is on Friday! I just remembered. Ooof. Short-term memory span. I will send you something. I hope!

 However, I am glad to remember much of anything, some days. Stress has eaten my braaaiiin. Except for today; today was the last day of my lovely vacation (I was forced to go home on Wednesday, had a fabulous time with Superior Ronda on Thursday, yesterday mum came down to visit (we watched a ton of movies, including the long-drawn but well-done "Australia," with Hugh Jackman) and today I cooked. I cooked allllll day, and it was bloody magnificent! Chili, bread, squash, delidious pulled pork...

 I also shoved my face into an Epic Fail cake. Mum and I were both envisioning something else & it didn't quite make the mark. I simply had no choice. It was my punishment for making such heinoustrocity! OK, not really I was laughing so hard before & aft that I nearly inhaled some through my nose!
  Argh. I mean, I followed the recipe & everything, but it just wasn't... it wasn't chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting, nor was it peanut butter fudge. Which was what both of us were actually hungry for. Go figure.

 And now...
 I shall wish you a happy NoRemember, Folks.

 My work day returneth. And don't forget to set your stupid clocks back.

 I am completely superstar.

 My favorite Irish Pub & Restaurant, Kip's , is going to be giving away 2 tickets, airfare & hotel to see U2 play in Chicago, in September. I would give away the tickets & airfare if I could (flying really isn't my favorite), keep the hotel, and just BE in Chicago. Not that I don't like U2-- I do, but I also like to not be severely sunburned.
 I'd spend all day at the Field Museum & the Art Institute. Well, I'd have to get some Russian Tea Time coriander vodka (dear Lawd, it's good!), and find me a place that sells good spring rolls & a really stacked burger & awesome fries.
 Mmm, a burger. Too late, I already had lasagna, bread & wine in my tum-tum. I seriously want a "Raineth burger" sometime soon, though-- and that is: a hand-shaped burger, 'mater, raw onions, bacon, Monterey or Colby cheese, lettuce, mustard, mayo, sauteed mushrooms, and sesame seed buns, and a big ol' pickle on the side! Mmmmm.

 And now... I'm going to go call my mum.

Cheers & All

Happy nineteenth anniversary, Pappa.

Were the Perseids showering, the morning you died? I don't remember, I was still mostly drunk & smiling, unaware of the news that would come.

 Fuck. Something is very wrong. I feel it, am spinning with it, and I don't know who it is, sunofabitch.

Perhaps I'm reading the sensation incorrectly (like that's never happened before), but it feels wrong-- not like it's something really impossibly awesome or such.

 Fuckity-fuckity.

 Hurry up, somebody. Give me some news.

 

 Ugh. Now I remember why I hate getting my pictor taken. Bleah, argh.  Just goes to show a person how difficult it can be to adjust to a new body/image.

 "Hell w' dis!" (she said, putting her hands on her hips and shaking her head defiantly). I'm gonna get my hair done tomorrow.  I may not be able to do any immediate action for my three chins, besides get off my ass (which means I need to get off the computer and move said ass), but I can get my hair follicles disguised. Yeah!

 My fun mystery guest has left... I was very happy to have his company. His sage advice was to take a week off or so, and to go to some random place I've never been to, before.  No wonder I like him. 

( Mystery Guest Revealed )

 I might be a high-strung dork, but I still have a schnazzy sense of humor, dammit.

 Just give me a day or so to adjust.

Holy Shit, I have two days off in a row!! I'm going to go jump up and down with glee, now. You see this here glee? Yeah, I got glee. *puts up dukes*

Mom will be coming down later on today. This will actually be a good thing.

Pancakes shortly. Might go to Black Sheep at one point. Definately have to go to Schaar's Bluff.

To note: have not wanted to smoke quite as badly as I wanted to, last night. Can anyone say "Holy Anxiety, Raineth!" Gah, bah, blargh, pfooey.

And Weasel has profoundly awful breath, UGHH. But at least he's moving & acting normal. Yesterday, he was as sick as a... uhhm, dog. Errm.
 
OK, time for pancakes. Mmmmm.

Cheers & All

April 20th 2009 8:52 am


Resonance
reflection of light
and
oh she was broken, wasn't she?
that glass heart and writings as if she was still only 16
didn't make her any less want
didn't make her any less want

could have scraped herself raw on that sand
tarnished inside like metal
can it be polished?
forgotten, too late
and she's got breakable bone
oh she's broken, isn't she?
spills and falls and still holds her hands up
just like she was young

older, and aren't you any smarter, girl?
you walk to that water, now
and put yourself in
tie, tie tighter
dressed nice so they won't have to bother

pinch your cheeks for colour
for feeling
yes you are still here and
you never thought you would be

everyone left you
except the one who hurts you
and you can't forget
you can't go back
you can't have them back
no one left to carry the memories except you
and your back is weak

echo the music and it takes you somewhere else
where you don't have to claw
no, don't show your bitter teeth
clever girl, hide it now

and they will love you for who you never were






( More Bad Poetry )

 For once, I'm going to take my mum's advice: "Breathe deep, just relax, and don't give a shit."

 I like that advice. A lot.

 So. Mystery fun guest tomorrow evening (I even talked my way into getting a short work day tomorrow, hooray!), whoo whoo.
 Mum is coming down on Sunday & will be staying through at least Monday.
 I even have Sunday & Monday off. This means I get to hit Schaar's Bluff. YEAH!! Gawd, I've missed it.

 I am going to grill. Hear the sizzle? Yeah, that's me. Er, well, at least my food! lol

OK, time for a last tidy-up, and then I pronounce the place "fuck it, it'll have to do." 

 Pee Ess I broke down & bought a "real" lawn mower. Sort of. It's electric. However, because I am The Raineth, I have no idea how I'm going to manage the whole "I need 150 feet, not 100 feet" of outdoor electrical cord bit. Hmmm, yes. Quite... Some days... I tell you...

 Cheers & All

Thank you, Jenifgrr.

I was pretty bent out of shape, and you helped calm me down.

Have I told you that you're amazing, lately?

 Well, that's it.

 I would have cleaned more, but it's just not happening. Quite frankly, I'm also bloody well sick of cleaning, after two weeks straight of it. Bleah!

Sad to say, that barely scratched the surface. I am an organized slob. I don't grow critters on plates or such, but I just let stuff pile up. There's nobody else here to say "Hey, you, pick that crap up!" so... it just goes & goes. Stuff gets misplaced. Lost. Neglected. Ho-hum'd. Now?

Oh sure, totally forget that it takes the patience of many small gods (of which I am not one) to clean this place... Oy. I am expecting a guest this Saturday, and I was going to try to be all impressive. Hmmm. Well. At this point in time,  I have only tomorrow morning left to clean; my work schedule changed abruptly, and that's that. 
 I will have to settle for a clean bathroom, mostly organized spare bedroom, no dishes (or few dishes), no britches lounging about, and a well-rested Raineth. I mean, really... My house can be spic & span, but that's not going to fly if I'm a totally crabby, tired bitch. I am horrible when I am crabby.

 Besides... mum is coming down on Sunday, and I have that day & Monday off. At long last, I will be able to go back to Schaar's Bluff! I missed a lot of photo opportunities, and the peace that is there for the taking. Aaaah, I can hardly wait.

 I'm actually going to call it a night. No, really. I am. I can get up earlier in the morning & tackle some stuff. Mostly... I just want to rest. I have not been feeling well, and I refuse to be ill this weekend.

 Cheers & All

 She is OK.