30 September, 2006: "Smother the Whisperer." I had just ditched my previoss blog due to the unwelcome, destructive presence of a couple of readers; the previois blog did not have the option to privacy-protect posts. The post was about my feelings about my marriage, at the time. The wheedling is as follows:

 Where to begin? Ahh, the whining. Of course.

I have been blogging for about six years. I have/had three journals, all unsuccessfully kept from the eyes of my husband of nearly three years. This is my final attempt to have a blog sans prying eyes.

The last straw occurred in August, shortly after I'd typed a series of blog entries that proclaimed my confusion, despair, fear and anger over the state of my marriage.

An ex-girlfriend of his may or may not have been involved in directing his attention to the particular entries, but the end result was that he read my blog without asking, and what he read was not pleasant. What was even more unpleasant was the ultimatum that was issued: either I "shape up" or I "ship out." One of the requirements of "shaping up" is that I must start attempting to conceive and bear him a child, as of the middle of next year. The problem? In my heart of hearts, I do not want to have children.

Five years ago I thought I could "do the impossible" for him. I truly did. I believed him to be the type of person who would be the right father, provider, lover, and supporter that I needed to encourage my maternal instincts.

Six years after meeting each other and nearly three years of marriage... I don't know if I love him, anymore.
One part of me is able to see the situation clearly, and acknowledges that it is unfair to deny him what another woman would gladly be willing to give him.

He deserves happiness, and so do I.

Enough for now.

 I am now in the process of going through my old entries, tagging them, and deciding whether or not I want to change the protected entries to public. Who knows, maybe my whiny-assed complaining will inspire someone to stay married. Or to divorce. Or exit out of my journal & continue with their normal life.

 I am groggy this morning... dreamt of Louisiana's potholes & bayous. Kept on driving into them, but I was so amused at my own foolishness that I was laughing, and laughing very hard.

 Off to make tea & coffee. Yes, I'm having both.

 Cheers  All


 P.S. Kev, where did you go?? Cannot access your blog anymore... as in, I get a blank screen. Wha?

 Blast. I'm feeling tweakish & in need of a drive... Oh, yikes... I just remembered that I forgot to get gas today. Erm, gas would be good for driving. Including the drive to work, tomorrow.

 The day was good. Rain here, rain there, but it was a sunny & spectacular ending to the day. Mum is now crashed out, and I may be soon to follow. What a party pooper. Not that there's a big party. Far from it. Even the dog is crashed out.

 I cooked pasta & made biscuits (the bread, not the cookie) from scratch, today. I will always prefer to have biscuits that were made by hand... they are even relatively easy to throw together: 
 2 c. flour, 1 TBSP b. powder, 1/2 tsp b. soda, pinch of salt, good pinch of sugar-- mix together; take 4 TBSP butter & work w/ fork or pastry cutter just until cut in; add scant cup of buttermoo. Bring together. Fold dough over a couple of times. Pat out to 1/2" thick, cut out with very small circle cutter, etc. Bake for 10-13 minutes @400 degrees, or until golden brown)  
 They're so much better than the store-bought crap! This recipe does not make a "flaky" biscuit, but more like the type of biscuit you would use for strawberries & pour cream, or perhaps biscuits & gravy. Mmm, biscuits & gravy. Don't I have a roll of sausage in my freezer, somewhere? I typed "biscuit" a lot, just now. Biscuit, biscuit, biscuit. I'm gonna go look for sausage...
*rustles about in freezer, cursing in an unladylike fashion as frozen banana-bread-bananas escape & try to break various toes*
 AHA! I do have sausage. Score one for the Raineth. Sausage now in fridge, to defrost overnight. I can make biscuits & gravy for breaky, tomorrow! Yumms.

OK, I'm pooped & restless. I'd really better be getting some gas in my car... my luck, I'll forget about it right up to about the time I have to leave for work, tomorrow.

 Cheers & All

 Officially: Happy Fourth of July

 All sorts of thoughtful...
 Not that my thoughts necessarily have any coherent pattern, mmf.

 *pauses for a moment* I am happy. It just hit me, sitting here & importing cd after cd into my iTunes library, and fiddling about on YouBoob. So far I'm up to a total of 1358 songs, and I haven just begun to get my "hard copy" collection imported.
  Hannah & her snappy garters, I forget that I have so much music... and this is just the stuff that I "had" to buy in cd form. Ooof. Some stuff, I  have in my head. Like David Bowie, Simon & Garfunkel, Lucianno, Neil Diamond, Neil Young, Beatles, etc.  A lot of music I just never got around to acquiring, and am mostly OK with not having, if I can access it some other way (like last.fm or YouBoob). Lawd, if I ever got my hands on all of the music that I like or wanted... well, I better have won the lottery or a lot of people better have given me presents. Yikes.
 I reall, reallyy wish that I had been able to save even a smidgeon of the music I had when my old computer crashed... Ouch. A lot of that was from the formidable collection that my Ex had. *sigh* total bummer.  Secondary bummer was that the backup that I had of all of it was corrupted. Very. Bad. Joss!

 In Other News, Mum will be coming down tomorrow morning, and we have tentative plans for making either steak & taters or pasta & some right-wicked mushroom, garlic & onion sauce (stay upwind, people!).
  Yet again, I got an unexpected day off (OK, so I simply am a nard & forgot that I get holiday pay for tomorrow, thus making it necessary for my boss to only work me 32 hours). You know, I'm really liking this! I could almost get used to having a day off per week! Aahhh, the luxury! It feels super good. I think... no, I KNOW I was getting burned out & becoming a crabby-assed Raineth. Ughhh. Not good.

 You know what I really want right now? A portabella mushroom & cheddar cheese omelette, with hollandaise sauce. I would also like some bacon the side, fresh hashbrowns, and a little cup of raspberries, blueberries & strawberries, plus a wee chunk of pineapple. Fooey. Me & food, I tell you.

 Maybe bed will have to suffice. Do I want to go to bed? Not really. I'd much rather be talking to someone (gasp). Everyone is asleep. *sigh* Eh. Well. 

 Cheers & All

 No, I really am feelin' all right...

 Whatever wretched wack-a-doo planet that was going into or passing out of retrograde (*pauses to look at artcharts*-- looks like Uranus has just started) has finally settled into its initial pattern. Ugh, that was awful. Everybody was so crabby! I don't lose my temper that often, but boy, lemme tell you, these past couple of days, I snapped a little. I think my crew was shocked. Yep.

 Yummms, now I have chocolate. The lines in the store were obscene for that time of night! Sheesh.  Oh well, they needed to wipe their butts, change their kids' diapers & get something to eat, I guess. 

 And now... now I am just going to relax & not worry about anything. Except for where the Sam Hill some of my cd's are (which are apparently NOT part of my iTunes collection or backed up in any way, auughh!). Like, when was the last time I listened to Type O Negative? I don't know, but now I want to-- and the cd's aren't in the cases. Frick, I have Swiss cheese head! What a dork. OK, that's it, I'm backing up my iTunes right now, and am going to start on some of the stuff I don't have started, yet.... I have a lot of music. Ruh-roh. Oh, Lawd, I need an external hard drive!!

Cheers & All
 

 OK, so I've now got yet another crazy-nuts idea in my melon... How long do you suppose it might take to pass along a lone iPod for people to upload one of their favorite iTune albums on to, then send it on its way to the next person, to do the same? Let's say, within the USA for the first leg, then abroad? Or vice versa. After the iPod's capacity is filled, the unit is sent to someone who currently doesn't own one...

 Do you suppose it would become toast during shipping? Do iPods work that way for downloading music? Am I the only fricking human on this planet that doesn't have one (and who has an iTunes account!)??

 Just wondering.

 I might need to post this elsewhere. 

 P.S. EDIT: Hmmf, OK, it looks like iPods don't quite work that way unless you have some sort of program, like SharePod. I don't know, I'm a bonifide technotard, don't ask me how these things work. So it was a good idea. Maybe.

 EDIT #2 How about one favorite album/compilation that's been burned/loaded to a cd/flash drive, mailed to one central location? A plethora of tunes...

 I have gone crazy nuts, and absolutely nothing matters any more.

 Oh, wait.

 Never Mind.

 Extremely exhausted & the bum shoulder is in quite a bit of pain, this morning.

 Yesterday's "Goodbye" breakfast with C. was magnificent... People keep telling me "Well, it's not like you're in the Stone Age-- you can keep track of and in touch with each other all of the time!" Yes, yes, I know that.
 However, there are simply some relationships that sweetly dissolve like sugar, when the time comes. I can't explain it any other way.

 At the moment, I am just... well, whatever. At this point, I think I have a case of seriously backwards PMS, plus everything inside of me is screaming that the light is wrong & the weather is wrong-- for July.  The smell is even wrong. It borders on Autumn, and it's too early.

 Then I think of spending another winter here, and I go numb... I will stumble through this particular day because I have to, not because I'm looking for an adventure within it.

 I think... that I should quit typing and get ready for work.

And clean my house, later. Mum is coming down on Friday morning to stay for a couple of days... *sigh*

 I hated this day, almost down to the last 1/2 hour. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

 First, my beloved blogger Southern Brit  & his girlfriend/second leg roadtrip companion ran across a shitload of trouble whilst in Greensboro, NC; overnight, the vehicle was broken into, and pretty much all of his gear was stolen. Just about broke my heart to read that.
 Sure, I don't know him, but I've been reading his blog for a while now, and I like who he seems to be. He's just an amazingly uplifting kind of guy. The kind of person who will make you want to throw shit at your version of God when he eventually dies, because the loss will be so great. Anyway. Soldiering on...  I really want to see him make it through his Underground: USA project. One of his lovely friends has set up a PayPal donations thingy for him; the loss of his gear is about $6,000 alone. Holy Hellfire! If nothing else, moral support is really, really necessary. 

 ( The Shite Continues... )

"Damn." Or should have been. Read Southern Brit's woe & put in your 2 cents. Let's rally if we can, yes?
Yes.

Dammit, time for work... fcuking hate it when I'd rather be doing something that I consider to be more important.
 

Uhm.

"Something."

Lots in my head, mostly to do with C's eminent departure. *sigh*

On the Upside, remember me talking/posting about my crazy-nuts & completely, totally lovable neighbor David, from Charleston? I just heard from him, and I think I Sqeee'd. Really loud. For a long time. Here it comes again...

SQUEEEEEEEEE! 

I realize that it's been a long time. People change, lives change... I know mine did. I love that we remember people best for who they were... and sometimes, the person they are now (or at least most recently!) becomes the person we cherish the most.

 Damn. Does this count as a possible "When one door closes, a window will open" bit? Grrr, arrr.

 Grrrr.

 There is some weird chirping noise going on in my house. I thought it was the smoke detector, needing new batteries, but that's not it. My phone, telling me it's dying, chirps in a different tone. I honestly don't think I have anything else that makes a noise when it needs to be recharged--- that's not already fully charged. WTF? I have looked everywhere. I have pulled the guts out of my smoke detector, my carbon monoxide detector, and there's nothing that should beep, cheep, chirp, burp, tweet, twitter or any other sound effect. Not even an insect should be making that nosie (which it doesn't sound like, anyway). There it goes again. GAH! I am going crazy nuts.

 Stoopid unidentifiable flying noises... pffft. I'm going to listen to music, and listen to it loud. Drown it out, I say.

 

 A conversation with C., on how fcuking bummed I am that we had to cancel our plans for sushi tonight:

C: "Well, what's the best thing you saw today?"
R: "Huh?"
C: "The best thing you saw today. And it can't be 'ass.'"
R: "Gee-zus. OK... Uhm, I saw an egret on my way home. Come to think of it, I see one every day, either on my way to work or on the way home. Did you know that they have a very varied diet? Frogs, insects, minnows, whatever they can find in shallow water. Huh. I wonder if they get sick if they eat those screwed-up three-legged frogs?"
C: "Uhm, I hadn't thought about it. But think of how full they'd be if they ate frogs with five legs!"
R: "Are you sure there aren't going to be any raw frogs, next week?"
C: "No. Do you want cooked ones?"
R: "Eeew. Tried those, me no likey. They reeked of genetic meddling."
C: "Maybe they once had three eyes."
R: "That's not funny."
C: "Are you sure the egret only had two legs and two eyes?"
R: *huffs a breath out in disgust* "Where's something to throw?"
C: "Just throw your car keys. If they're lost, you can't drive back to work."
R: " I love how you think, but that just wouldn't work. Besides, they wouldn't actually hit you, and then I really WOULD lose them."
C: "It was the thought that counted."
R: 'Right!"

Ohhh, fudge, I'm so bummed. Oh Well. He's not gone yet. There's next week. And then... That's it.

Fucking Hell.

What a completely shit day. It's not even over yet, as I have to go BACK to work in 2 hours, due to a SNAFU. *sigh*
I'm going to have another one of these, whatever they are, if they even have a name, besides:

 My New Favorite Drinky Thingy

( Gin Doohickey )

   Didn't go to Transformers 2 last night,  d/t bad tum-tum from food. *sigh* Had to leave work early, it was so upsetting.
 Feeling much better today, but am not 100%. I think slowly but surely, I am giving up on some types of restaurants. I don't know about you, but I don't ever want to look forward to symptoms of botulism. Ugh.

 Am visiting my mom today, to belatedly celebrate her birthday & give moral support. She isn't doing well at all... Whatever disease processes are going on, they are kicking her ass... *sigh* AND it's raining. I know we need it, but sheesh. Day off= rain on me. Thank you very much.

 And that's enough of that. I am doing laundry for tomorrow & having more coffee. Waiting for the right moment.

 I dreamt I was living in the Smoky Mountains, living in quite the luxurious cabin, with burled oak flooring. Whenever my moods shifted, as I walked across the floor the burl patterns would change, too. The kitchen cabinets were made of cherry, the main bathroom floor was made of Italian marble, and my bedroom was more or less the Outdoors. My 4-poster bed was nearly overtaken by Engelman's ivy, English ivy and something that looked like hibiscus. Hummingbirds were darting everywhere to eat, and it was quite relaxing. There was a small pool of water nearby, and it turned out to be a heated pool. There were flowers everywhere-- some exotic stuff that I didn't recognize. Lots of iris & roses (which don't normally bloom together, I realize), and tulips galore. Ahhhh, good dream.

 And now...  I need to rescue my laundry, shower up, and glare out my window at this rain. Makes for very sloppy & somewhat dangerous driving. Pffft.

 Cheers & All

 YES!

 I forgot that Transformers 2 was coming out so soon... If I'm up to snuff, I'll be seeing it tonight, thank you very much.

 The weather continues to suck and make me want to just lie down and a pool of cool water. I just scratch my head with conspiracy theories. I am doing worse than last year, as far as humidity is concerned. Ugh, awful.

 OK, time for work.

 Cheers & All